Pick up the pieces.

I don't think he cares anymore.
I can't belive it,I don't want to believe it,I want him to want me,I want it to work.
Maybe it'll feel like it used to (thats the good kind of feeling!) when I see him next,which will be the finch gig.I'm going to make sure I look amazing,be amazing,be spectacular and make him want me more than ever.
Recently though,I have noticed that,it isn't all about the guys,or the sex or the image.I know i have to be selfish,and be sure about my own happiness.Find out what will make me happy now and in the long run,even if thats no guy at all.I craved independance a while ago,and in many ways I have obtained it,but in many mores I don't really feel 'free'.I feel like i'm attatched and yet,I feel as though,it's all kinda make-believe.I'm not sure it's a good thing.I don't like knowing he feels odd about it all of a sudden,maybe he's found someone else.I guess I would be upset,but i'd be much happier him dumping me, than me ending it,becuase...I'd hate to hurt him.
I don't even want to consider breaking up-eventhough I wouldn't mind a taste of the bittersweet single life,and the other guys who tempt me with their cool hairstyles and wonderful bodies...hehe..but I think I do love ben.And any kind of break up is awful.

maybe I should put it on the backburner like he is doing.Just take it slowly and concentrate on more important things,work on my persoanl image and own confidnece.I suppose I've got to prepare myself for the worst and not have high expectations of what lies ahead.Preperation is everything here...

It makes me feel empty and uncomfortable.
but why?he's a fool to making you feel this way.I should stop trying now,I should let him do the work and make the effort.Becuase I don't want to be the one who looks like i'm all alone.I want him to want me.Thats all I want.I just want to be somebody's inspiration,be someones...everything.And Ben would be happy with anyone.Which also makes me feel sad,becuase I like to think I'm not 'anyone'.But there we are,maybe thats what he's trying to mould me into.
I'm fed up of guys wanting to change the way I am.The thing is,I havn't met that many,or been with all that many either.So,maybe i'm being a bit to harsh on myself here.And guys generally.And maybe Ben too.But!

I should stop caring so much for him.He clearly doesn't understand me as the whole package as someone will one day appriciate evenmore.If he's unhappy,he should move on from you,he should move on from me,he should stop making me feel this way.And I hate it.This is why I were once happy before.
And even Simon seems so show me that he cares.But it's not the same.I want...something really special.Something I was kidding myself over,something I thought we had...oh hell with it.

HE OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU PHOEBE.SO WHY DON'T YOU MOVE ON NOW?