mixed signals.

So it hurts.It hurts a great deal.I thought i could manage it,but it's proving difficult for me,and i just want him to get away.
See,at first i thought that it was for the best-an agreement,we could be good friends and all would be sunny quicker than I first assumed.And then,he calls me his friend,the lack of kisses on the end of texts in the same familiar tone,the way he still says things that make me melt inside...it's so hard to forget the brilliant,amazing times we did share.
And now he's upset and angry at me,he's very hurt...again,and i'm the one grovelling,appologising,wishing i could take it back-take last nights drunken-ness back,but i cant.Technically im not his anymore,i can do what i want.And yet,i still feel him holding on to me in case he changes him mind.Any body else would tell him where to shove it.But i guess i want to prove that im different.I don't know why.
Everyone feels that what i've done is good.And in time,it'll be better and i'll get over it.But I don't want to,I don't really want to move on and forget yet, becuase i doubt i'll find anybody else who I feel the same way I feel about Ben,I don't think he's out there...I don't think the perfect man I dream of is out there.Or if he is,he's with somebody else.
I didnt have this with luke,becuase i was so sure in my mind that it was the right thing.Or Richard,becuase i'd never touched him,it wasnt so much to lose.Steff,we wern't ever really together and other people made it a horrible long drawn out situation.

Maybe I love Ben alot more than I originally thought.
I just wish this pain would go away though,becuase I know that my family,friends and...me,really know that not being with him is for the best.I know that he'll only end up feeling like this again,making me feel bad,and like i i'm in the wrong all the time.
I just want to find that special someone.I really do.I don't feel very storng on my own.