I suppose,i'm not used to thinking about this sort of thing.Becuase it hasn'r really happened before.I just don't know what to do.
Becuase,I look at myself and I look around and see things differently now.I'm not sure if thats just me,naturally changing and becoming more...me?But theres defonatly a change and I'm not sure if Ben is at the right place at the right time.Being with me...travelling back and forth to see him,made me realise that maybe this is still together because I want it to work,more than it taking it's own natural course.Maybe i'm kidding myself thinking that i've met someone else,becuase it's just coincidence that someone has cropped up now.I love Ben,I do.But i'm worried he'll hurt me again.and I'm even more worried i'll hurt him again-and this is me I'm talking about-I don't intentionally hurt people.That ISNT me at all,and thats bad that I have that risk here.Maybe the relationship we have is far to intence.And now,it's not that I don't want a serious relationship,becuase I really do.It's just with the added layer of pressure from the long-distanceness,which I know cant be helped,just makes it very strong.
At the moment,he doesn't seem to care much.He doesn't miss me,no texts really...and it makes my tummy chew up,as I'm feeling like he really should-he doesn't know it,but i'm having secound thoughts-and that isn't helping at all.
I know i need to wait til christmas,see how it goes,how it fairs.But,it's just...strange,this thing...my heads buzzing I want to get away to someone completely new again.
Maybe he thinks everything is ok.
Maybe he loves me with all his heart.

but maybe isn't enough.
And I look around,and smile and see how many people catch my eye,and how maybe peoples eyes I catch,and I think...I may be denying myself one hell of a relationship which is...just what I want.And it's just to much for words,to much to put down on paper-I'll know it when I see it,smell it,laugh and realise that I'm well and truely happy and secure.That I can happily picture my future with this amazing person.And right now,I dobn't think he's ready to find me yet.Maybe it is Ben,but I cant help to be a romantic-and be true to myself.Come on.He's SO insecure,if I saw him every day it would be different,I'd be able to crack him out of his annoying habbits,we'd shape each other and mold each other into a wonderful relationship and concept.We'd be unable to work without the other.We'd be each others inspirations...thats what i want to be.Somebody I love-his inspiration.
I really hope i'll have that.And it'll work.it'll just be.And it'll feel right.
We'll see.I just have to bare with things.Keep a cool head.Keep things together.
Something will happen,
it'll click into place I hope.

please...please click into place...