cheesecake at twelve...

Hell...why not post two blog posts in a single damn day?
whats going on with me...whats going on in my mind?to much change has happened.I suppose i need to get my self together becuase this is not a cool situation to be in.and I dont want to fall into being someone i never was,or have any intention on becoming.I'm all me.It's just,recently i've been witness to so much flux in my emotions and other peoples,one cant help but let it takes it toll.
It's my fault,all of it.And it's my fault i put so much pressure on me,leave things to the last minuet...yeah,i've got not better at that.In face,i havnt really got better at anything really,I only seem to be going down hill-
-yes-it's my feel-sorry-for-self-time-
so,I know theres alot for me to get used to.
I think this Ben thing has just come around at the wrong point in my life.I cant help but think that the real person for me,my soulmate,is out there for me to meet.He cant surely be in clacton,surely surely not.
I know that in my heart,yet my brain tells me to just deal with the problems i'm faced with.I deal with problems differently to most people,therefore,Im stuck in a cycle.I dont want to hurt anyone.but I don't mind hurting myself.So,I'll just stay with it to all my insides have gone...disolved to nothingness.

may watch eternal sunshine.
may have a bit of a breakdown.I don't think anyone will mind.

NOT looking forward to tuesday's gig-fiasco.Finch-hell yes! With Ben-hell no! what will it be?A night of akwardness?a night of passion-makeingupness?a night of quality friendship?what will it be?
I hope it'll be the passionate one.I rather like ben for his passionate moments,he can do those moments very well indeed.But not well enough to fuse the relationship together,not enough to keep me feeling good about myself,not enough to communicate with me and stop making rash assumptions and dessisons.
whos to scared,to scared of changing himself-facing himself and the real world.And i know i dont find that attractive.only on rainy days when i just want to lay in bed and hear it pour down the panes...I need to find someone romantic like me.someobody like me

dad says I'll know it when I see him.
Dad also says that god only gives you the problems that we can deal with.

so this i can deal with.
Still,I feel very tender.and upset.and in need of love.

I want to fall in love again.
I think in a couple of weeks,I'll be ready.