your words are like knives...

his words really are.One day,i fear they'll be the death of me.But,sometimes,I dont feel like I care.

somwhere along the line,I've gone wrong in my efforts to seduce.As I always seem to get some blasted male whos been/is/soon will be rather fucked up and wishes to drag me into the whole situation.Now maybe thats my general ignorence,unable to see my own flaws therefore anybody elses would appear overwelming,but,I think it just be my general magnet.
me and ben have had even worse moments since the last,over stupid things again and it makes me so frustrated.But at the same time,I feel like he knows the damage he's doing,oh yes he's fully aware,it's like all this is some sort of fucked up test.To see what he can get away with.I know i'm above it all,and I know that there are people here who love me for me,for who I am-for my clumsyness,my quirkyness and general me.There are so many people I share a connection with...

Now I feel as though I type to my hearts content as though I do not care about Ben.that is ot the case at all.It's just,he told me things i'll never forget.I have never been shouted at the way I were shouted at two days ago and they will emotionally scar me.And he knows full well.He said I needed it,that is was good for me.He's such a bastard.But for some reason I want to show him how strong I am.That I will put up with it for him,that I am better than he thinks.But listen to me-listen!he shouldn't expect a better me-I am all the me i'm ever going to be.
I think it's got "wrong" written all over it.
But tomorrow I am home for the weekend and,it's spent mostly with him.I'm not entirely sure how it's going to be.but I will try.I will be myself.and i shall take comfort in the knowledge that at any time I can walk away and know that I can open up my eyes and find myself someone who really does care about me.for all of me,even my silly little mistakes.
I don't know what Ben is after.I don't think it's me,but maybe if I spend enough time with him,I shall mould him.I want an appology,from the heart.Maybe even a tear or two,when he sees me and realises what he may have missed,and what (if he continues in this ubserd manner,) he soon will miss.There is just to many people out there I have not yet met.But he,on the other hand,feels that he's done his searching now,and hes ready to get his own flat and get a job and settle down.Comforting in some lights,but in others I just want to ask him to stop being so serious.

Hes such a fool,I know i'm above him.I know i'm above it all.
The more he pushes me away,and makes me feel low for things I havn't done,the more I connect with others around me who don't even try,where it just seems to work.Maybe I need to open my eyes.
Telling myself this,will mean that Ben will notice.And he'll be upset,but it'll be his fault.I don't plan on falling out with him,i just want to carry on where we left off,but if he'll make it hard,i'll know which way to walk.

I really want to be something and I really want some things to happen in my life.I want to make someone extreamly happy,be everything they're looking for in a girlfriend,friend,soulmate,wife...I can be all of those things.I will be all those things.But I fear Ben,doesn't see me as though.Sometimes,he is just to serious for me,and I don't believe i make him happy.

oh well.
We'll have to see now won't we.