indeed.
It's a new dawn,its a new day and a new life for me.And does it feel good?well,only time can tell that much.
I'm feeling a bit better about things generally.Well,I guess the terberlant situation with Ben.My friends have been so supportive of me and hae always been a welcome ear to where I've just felt overpowered by all these emotions he's made me endure.I find him quiet incredible from that respect,so tactless and hard to please.So sure of his morals and intentions,I guess it could be alot worse,but he is going to be hard work for me I know.I now realise.But as much as i feel he's hurt me,I know I need him.I know I need this pain in a way,becuase I guess I know he really cares about me,and that I've got under his skin.Which makes me less concerned about these lil arguments we have here and there.

He wants to apply to uni up here,and get out of clacton.He wants to live with me in september.And,it doesnt really shock me,becuase in a way,it feels strangely right...is that a bad a thing?after all this up and down-ness,after me on boardlerline hating him,he really wants me to be his future.And,that feels strangely...wonderful.
I guess my mind does still wonder through these things,like,the possibilties of being single,who would I have my eye on now,who is out there for me,who have I not met yet?I'm 18 and i'm aloud to think about these things.I mean,I know Ben cares for me a great deal,but sometimes I fear he wants me to change.and surely a guy who really loves you,wouldn't want you too.I guess we all get hung up over these perfect filmic ways of life,the way things are perfectly scripted and worked out for the characters,so beautiful and flawless.
We know it's bullshit.But,we find it comforting to feel it could happen to us too.And i'm a fool for that ideal too.

just give me a page,some city and colour,and I find myself feeling genuienly happy.

So,I know,that this relationship we have,could go down the pan.
And if it does,well,at least I tried.
But,it has potential to be the real deal.And thats rather frightening.But,I'm going to keep trying,keep being me and mayeb after a couple of months he'll grow out of these tendancies he has.Becuase,he is the one for me,we are well suited in lots of ways.i hope to mould him to be a happy,comfortable person,he loves himself.

so yes,i have my work cut out.
but i can do it.
=]