I wish I were so much better for you sometimes.I wish I were generally better,in life,in love,in everything.I don't want to feel that way about myself,I know I have to love myself before I can let anybody else love me,I hope you'll turn that around.
I wish I was something so much more.had such a cool style,turn heads.Be someone people want to be.And yet,I know thats stupid.And inside,I don't really want that.I have alot to be pleased and happy with...I guess I look around,and I want to be something.I really want to be someone.I don't want to get lost in this love,this new blooming love...for all it's ups and downs and terbelances.
We're talking about such massive things.Such massive things,and so much has happened to me these past couple of months I'm not sure how much grown-up-ness I can take these days.I guess I havn't really stepped back in the mirror and observed myself.I've just been so busy with all these other things,I guess I put myself last.So,not alot has changed in that respect then!
No,I am going to re-invent myself,against my own will originally I am aware.But now,I feel that maybe this is a good idea.Otherwise,me and Ben won't work out.And at the moment,he's all I want.I mean,I look around and see these amazing guys walk by me,but they don't look at me the way he does.I'm not sure anyone does or will.
I feel bad about other people i've denyed in order to make this work out.Like Richard,I'm not sure how we managed to make it work.I feel bad for breaking it off the way I did before hand,and kinda broke him in two again...but it just didn't seem right or wise.
All these things I do and i don't realise...
oh well.
best go to bed now.
I think I do love him.
Big time.
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