FUCK THIS.

yeah,I have a great idea-how about we ring up phoebe,and make her feel like shit yeah?yeah...I fucking love that.
I don't understand this.One minuet we're good,the next minuet I say something wrong or chicken out and thats it-it just crashes down on me and makes me feel like shit.I didn't want to get this attatched,I knew that I would really inside but I cant help it thats what I do-and now he wants me to change.He's so harsh and cold,and I don't know how to be becuase I break and crumble under words he tells me-not tact whatsoever,just points out ALL my flaws...just makes me feel like shit.
I NEVER FUCKING SAY A WORD.why not?what am I afraid of?geeez he does it enough to me why don't I do it to him?I hate this,I hate being unable to explain myself properly becuase "he doesnt understand" fuck that.fuck it all.
I know long distance relationships were hard,and I cant put up with this if it means we fight or get angry at each other over silly things,that then turn into deep phycological things,I know he won#t forget this-he will drag it up again and again and continuially make me feel like complete and utter shite.
There are some guys out there who would love me so much.Who wouldn't get so frustrated with me,and want to be with me and loe me for who i am.Now ben does love me for who I am I know.But if he really loved me,surely he would think about what he said before he said it?surely.Or maybe he's just to damn confident with himself and knows that basically i'll do what he says.

but no.He demands an answer.And when I cant spit out my words and appologise it's not enough.It's not enough.So I try and say,and then it gets bigger and we talk evenmore seriously-man why is HE SO DAMN SERIOUS?laughing during sex...isn't sex ment to be fun? it's difference of opinion in lots of things,and it's just taking it's toll on me...oh yes,and screwing up his emotions...yeah right,stop reeling into things to much for fuck sake.What are you trying to do to me!?you're asking me to be all these things when I ask nothing of you at all.nothing.Even if I want to,I don't-becuase it's rude.thats something you do when you've been going out for a while,we havn't.So already,he's trying to mold me-and I hate it.I hate that.
I feel so stupid,girly and dirty in front of the webcam,he just stares and doesn't do or say anything-he wants me to do it for him and be impulsive-WOW thrown in the deep end or what?I feel like i'm being watched-oggled,not enjoyed-and I have no body respect/confidence anyway,man I hope he feels awful for what he just said to me.


he wants me to change.I thought I was happy with who I was.I thought I was happy in this relationship.But it turns out,that maybe i'm not.Maybe I don't like the way he's being with me.Like saying he isnt controlling,and has all these insecurities,and such-when HE'S the one who hides behind them.He gets frustrated with me-this a two way thing,not just him having a go at me til he's changed me into his perfect girlfriend.
I dont know how to be spontanious.
Is it possible to be more spontanious?
Becuase if it's so-he's doing it.

I feel so little,ashamed and upset.He's the one whos ripped my heart out,and made me feel completely shit about myself in EVERY respect-do I want this?does he really care?is he just letting out all his past relationship anger out on me??

YOU FUCKING BASTARD.I DON'T WANT ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP WHERE I FEEL LIKE SHIT ALL THE TIME.

he's impatient.therefore,he doesnt belive good things come to those who wait.And I am a good thing.And he deserves to wait.I'm SO damn angry at him right now,but I love him and believe in a strange sort of way he's the one I want to be with.

So.I don't want to lose him.And if I don't get myself sorted out,then he'll end up dumping me-whether he's right or wrong,he will and then it'll be to late.I'm just concerned really,becuase,I want to change for him-but not really for me,becuase really,I'm happy with who I am and what i want out of life.i am an indervigual-nobody is going to tell me otherwise.
So him saying he wants me to be spontanious?is that another face i'm going to have to pull for him?He wants me to be myself and yet,he wants me to be better.FUCK YOU WHY CAN'T ME-MYSELF,I,BE ENOUGH?? no,I'm never enough.Not for a signle guy theres always fucking something.
So,while i'm considering this,I'm thinking-fuck him.Why,oh why,am I putting myself through all this,where I could possibly be denying myself a guy I havn't met yet who wouldn't give me all this shit?
He says it's good for me,and I think he knows that he's harsh and feels out of order.But he's so over the top and full of himself (which is why I find it hard to believe all his 'insecurites') to even apologise for being a dick-he won't.
HE'S JUST TO HUNG UP ON HIMSELF.
I don't need that.I'm the one thats ment to be hung up on him-not him too,then it's like a fucking three way relationship-there is no way in hell I'm taking another dose of this,but then,i wont have the chance to becuase "um,we won't be having this conversation again" oh yes,sorry mother.For DISSAPOINTING YOU.

go fuck yourself.Is what I want to say sometimes.In fact,if i told him how I really felt,he wouldnt be with me.he'd be to damn shocked.
I wish I were better though,I wish I could be better for him but maybe in this fucked up long distance relationship we're not compatible.Becuase I AM WORTH MORE THAN THIS.i really really am,god if dad were here and saw what I had to witness he'd be telling me I'd be much better off without him.And in some ways,he is wrewining my uni experience becuase he's so damn selfish.Sorry ben,this is a really hating-you entry,but sod you for not giving me a break and saying "it's not fair".I'm always fucking fair to you,go swivvle UUUUUUUURRRRGH.

So now,I'm going to go on google,and find out new ways to re-invent mysef.How to be more sexy on the webcam.Think of exciting supprising things he'll enjoy-and if he doesn't,he can go fuck himself.

I love him so much i'm willing to change.And I know thats what you must NEVER do,but i'm so besotted or whatever the word is.I'm absolutly gut-wrenched as punishment i'm not going to eat.
well,thats not going to last,
but,
being slimmer will make me more confident.So developing an eating dissorder is what he's suggesting ahhhhhh.
only joking.I couldn't do that.
I can't be treated like a fucking mug though,so I guess if he requests anything else i'll tell him where to stick it-or ask him to do things for me too,becuase I never ask anything of him.

he insulted the sex we had.
that I laughed once to make it more light hearted.
that he's 'always in control'
how I hide behind false insecurities.
How I basically lie.
blow hot and cold.

NO NO NO NO.
it's just you.asking to much.asking to much of me.we've only been going out a fricking month you bastard give me chance to open up.
He does remind me of the horrible sides of luke in a way.
which is possibly the greatest insult EVER.
hahaha.But it's cool becuase this is only for myself.

I'm sorry i'm not better and havn't done better and all that shit.But give me a chance,give me a break.I don't know how to be better.but I'm going to try.Hell-if he does break up with me,it's his loss.And hell-i'll make him feel SO BAD.becuase-all that bad stuff he asks from me?all the change?all the horribleness?he doesn't really see.So when I tell him,i'll tell him all of it.And that my dears,will be when phoebe turns ugly.And that my dears,is when I will truely respect myself.

I guess i'm just going to try and be sexy first.
how gay am I.

I need a drink.And some sex.hahahaha.OH NOS WHERE IS THIS GOING TO LEAD IS THIS A GOOD IDEA WHY AM I DOING THIS WHEN I FEAR IT'LL BE BAD OR WRONG,WHY DO I FEAR THAT MAYBE THIS IS GOOD FOR ME MAYBE I DO NEED TO CHANGE...