So,i've been here there and everywhere.My mind is like a walnut.My heart feels unsatisfied.And i'm beginning to wonder whether I've done the right things.See,I'm only trying to do what I think is right,but I always seem to fail...
PREVIOUS SORA ENTRIES-
It's results day tomorrow.And,I must admit I'm really feeling concerned about it.Inside,I know it should all be okay,but there are so many lil bits and pieces pulling at my insides,like,on that piece of paper it'll say "sorry,there was a big mistake..." I can't stand the idea of being in this town another year...I really really hope I havn't fucked up on english,or art was actually a B all along...becuase urgh.Oh well,I did my best at the time and worrying now won't make anything any different.I just don't want to let myself down.Or anybody else whos been supporting me so much.Hopefully this will be the last update on this computer,becuase it sucks arse.Lets keep things fairly feel good.So,things are pretty good right now,things could be better though,they always could be.I wish I could be more sure though.about how I feel.Becuase at one moment i'm not sure from one moment to the next.I don't want to fall to fast.But the way he's talking me,just melts me away and makes me afraid...I wish he wouldn't,but he's what I want...he is.aw =[Gawd.It's lovely and comforting,but at the same time I want to don't want to feel I've got someone waiting for me,it's my fault I guess.It's just I wish I knew who I was going to meet and when.So I would have some form of preperation.I've spent some time in my skin now,know what makes me tick what makes my heart sink.And maybe I don't want this right now.And Uni is what I need.-Maybe?no...I miss companionship.
TWO-
I find myself wrapped in a new blog.But this one is the real me this time,it's not going twist and turn to suit the mood of other readers,who I find myself cruley lying to.It doesn't help me sort out my head,it just messes it up more-and I'm a complicated person and need some sort of private time,space,a chance to breath.So this is it.False name and identity maybe I'll become a better 'me' as a result.I'm constantly headjammed for a reason unknown,I worry ALL the time,hardly ever follow through dessions I make on an impulsive moment of excitement,and realise the true importance of things when it's usually far to late.Well,thats my flaws highlighted there.Best start with the tricky bits I guess.My problems usually start and finish with my 'love life' though,I hate calling it that.I don't really feel like I have one,becuase sometimes I find it tricky to believe that anyone would actually love me but I know thats being rather harsh on myself.situations always seem so compleicated,but I only have myself to blame becuase I know how risky it is falling-I always do,hard and to fast.And someone ends up hurt and it's always behind my eyes where I don't realise.Maybe I ask to much of things generally.I know I do far to much in one go,and can't balence all the plates at once.The most important ones are the first to break,like family and friends.And all this is going on with the upcoming change thats occuring in the ever growing near future.I can't beleive it's actually happening.Sure,theres a chance it'll all fall through indeed.but,I don't know this feels like it could actuallybe happening to me.A while ago,I was so happy.University.I justcouldn't wait to get a taste of something new,some new people a place to embrace the real me.Make a creative mark,get myself nestled in a career and get my heart set on certain goals and ambitions,just get lost in the freedom and life ahead of me.But now,i'm very much afraid.And it's only now,I have appeared to have noticed what thinhg I'm going to miss.The people,this strange town,my job (strangely) and of course my family.I'm not sure if i'm going to be able to cope beneath a brave face I'm putting on to fool everyone.But I know I'm very lucky.To be offered this change and I know it'll be the final step in making me the real person I am.Leaving home,leaving here and being my own indervigual,at the end of the day,is what I really really want.It's just the lil things and those lil things feel like they get bigger every day I encounter them.I ended my longest ever relationship with Luke on news year day,feeling that I just couldn't start the year knowing that I wouldn't end it with him.Knowing that really,I wasn't happy.It was very tricky for me,becuase...he actually loved me.Things are ok now over much bumpyness and unpleasantness,but things are ok between us.At least level.But I told myself that it would be a silly idea to get involved with anyone else,becuase I don't need anymore reasons to stay here anymore,becuase this town and people don't hold anything for me future-wise.And I don't want to be a classic artistic girl who ends up staying becuase of her friends and a job thats pay fairly.But,when my head is finally in some sort of control and state of calmness and direction,something has to crop up and tempt me,like nothing else has done before.I guess I've always let my heart rule my head...eventhough there are other things mixed in too that just make the situation alot more complex.So,it's like the first time I've let him out onto anything of mine,becuase it is like he's my dirty little secret.But I didn't think it would happen like this,I wasn't expecting it.Like love always makes it way around-when you least want it/expect it.But he's...pretty darn perfect to me.He's name is Ben,and he works where I work.We didn't hit it off right from the beginning it has to be said,he striked me and a very cute guy,but kept himself to himself,which,I found strangely refreshing.Oh to many a man feel they have everything to shout about,when clearly they're just compencating for what little they have going on.In all departments.So anyway,gradually we built up this friendship of music and film conversations,where ours were very much alike.I felt so happy when with him,like I didn't want to be anything I wasn't.I wanted to make an effort,but not be over the top,like I felt I was with Luke sometimes.I don't know if I've ever met a person who makes me feel the way Ben makes me feel.and i know it's alot to say when we're not really together,well,we are...it's weird,becuase of the Uni thing.But it's true,theres just something about him.And I've done things with him i've never done before.We do things on the moment,like go to gigs,go to London,cinema,talk about so much stuff,I truely enjoy his company.And,I could see myself being with him for a very long time indeed if I wasn't going to Uni or if I had done that already.He's a fair bit older than me,and has done the Uni thing,and now looking for a job in the field he's studied.He said he'd come visit me,and I think he'll be true to his word.I hope he will be,becuase I'm going to miss him so much.But.Theres another guy too.And,it feels so silly saying becuase sometimes I wonder if I kid myself into thinking that he's actually real.It's a long-distance relationship,but,it's been running on empty for a while now.And I think it's becuase of me,becuase I feel older now.I feel like,it's a silly concept.He's not a dumb guy,I think he feels the same as me.but we've kinda wrapped ourselves in these long phone conversations of the perfect ideal,where we'll meet and greet,fall in love and live in a castle and do all these things.It's pretty childlike,but it made my soul sing becuase it was what I needed at the time to keep myself motivated to keep at life,to not give up hope in guys generally and make me realise that there were amazing people outside of this town.But it got a lil to intence.And we talk for to long.And I find myself scraping at things we have in common.And I find myself lying to him too,and it makes me feel like such a faluire.I can't possibly have such strong feelings for Ben while he's in the equation.I know it's wrong but I can't stop how I feel.But he won't go away,he's everywhere I look and I fear I do love him,but it's the kind of love you hold onto becuase it's the most safe and secure.It's like the childlikeness in me that he resembles that I don't want to let go of.Ben is sucha man in comparrsion,and I never went for people so grown up,always the innocent,nerdy kinda guys who loved to study and analyse film scripts and music lyrics.but,I find now it's kinda fruitless and it makes me feel unhappy.(I still love analysing film scripts and music lyrics don't get me wrong.)But maybe this is where I realise that I myself am changing.And,I used to be afraid of that sort of change.But now I feel I just have to accept it.And theres so much other stuff too,where I just try and make head and tail of things but only end up messing things up.Yeah.I suck.I'm such a loser.Attempting to descover where to begin.I just need to get out.Let myself out.Be myself and enjoy what little time I have.Put myself first maybe,just this once.Accept that there are things I have done wrong here and just work with whats going,whats happening.Becuase at the end of the day thats all you can do really.and hope for the best.Becuase I'm only doing my best.and I hope things will pull together.Anyway,I'll leave it there for the time being.xxx
Yeah,I feel like such a loser.In yet another fucking predicament.I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HURT ME,I KNEW THAT IT WAS A BAD IDEA TO GET INVOLVED BECUASE I WOULD GET HURT AND HE WOULD BE UNABLE TO FILL ME UP,MAKE ME FEEL TRUELY HAPPY.
I feel for the first time,like i've falled for someone in a rather more sexual sense.I'm not IN love with Ben,becuase there is so much he does that just leave me feeling a tad confused,he's a bit to serious for me,he doesn't want lots out of life...we get on really well,he's a good kisser and the sex we had last night was amazing eventhough I lied about it to mum,and i'm not sure how he's feeling about it.Possibly like me.I really wanted him though.I needed a dose of him,I really needed some love,some passion.But I've found it in the wrong place,made him break ruleshe were very sure to keeping to,and made me feel bad about that.But I came away feeling refreshed and open,with a smile,knowing in a way that change was heading my way and this was something good and needed to be done.I don't think things will be akward from this point on,but I doubt we'll have sex like that again...hopefully if we do,it'll be far more romantic and comfortable in surroundings i've made my own.I hope it'll just settled down,and he'll eventually feel really good.I know he's a worrier thats all.
Maybe not sex with him again.
Maybe with someone I really really love.
I did feel like saying last night,when he were in my arms and tears were watering in my eyes with that tingly orgasm that crept through my bones...but what good would it do?What good would it possibly do,knowing that I were leaving?Love always seems a damn inconvinence.
I should have waited maybe,should have just left it out,I told myself...I said to myself not to do it,or it'll end up with one of getting hurt,but then again,this is one of those moments I realise I'm more adult,where I can make these dessions now,thinking and accepting the consequences you know?i've never felt like that before,and I like the feeling.
We talked about it all last night though.About all the possibilities...the directions this could lead...
I don't feel what I did was wrong.We both knew it would happen,I guess now I've just got to wait and hope.I've only got 2 weeks to deal with this,until it'll be different.ah,I'll be packing my things away soon,in the hope of packing away some unwanted feelings...
Maybe I do love him.
But my hearts on reserve at the moment,I know I musn't,so it won't let me love right now.
I hope I find someone in Huddersfield.I hope it's as good as I'm hopeing it to be.Though i'm sad to leave him behind me...
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