22.10.24

Trying to hold it together, trying hard not to cry. Nothing has happened, it's just I feel very overwhelmed. Tired, deeply tired, to my bones. It's nobody's fault, it's the way things are at the moment but my god, I wish I had my energy back. And who knows when that will be. That makes me feel scared. And, I do have support, absolutely. But I just feel I'm letting the side down at home, always like I owe Will something. He wouldn't ever say, but I know he's annoyed by having to do more meaning work is more stressful. I'm annoyed I admit defeat some days, I can't power through all this like I thought I'd be able to. Especially when working, eventhough it's just 3 days. It all takes it out of me.

I'm waiting at hospital for a consultation, I wonder what they're going to say, going to ask. I don't have anything prepared, but I know I'm only a few days shy of being a month off the due date. We're nearly there. All my brain wants to do is prepare for shocking intensity, and panics. I wish it wouldn't do that, but I'm sure it's because I'm so tired all the time. I'm sure sure when she's with us, all will be well. Things will fall into place as they should, I know it. But it's just the anticipation. And my darling, beautiful Ru, I just love him so much. I don't want him to be serverely effected by it all, he's in such a happy mode at the moment. But I can only do my best to prepare him, I can't control how he's going to react. Just hope for the very best.

It's annoying, I wish I could remain in my own little bubble, being around other pregnant ladies makes me feel nervous. They all seem happy and excited, with their partners or mothers, it just makes me feel...a bit alienated. I wish I had the sort of relationship with my mother that she would be here with me, or happily looking after Ru at home but alas, this is not the case. In an emergency situation she would, but it wouldn't be ideal for either of us

31.05.24

Who arrives at a doctor's appointment half an hour early? Me, that's who.

Can't believe how long it's been since I've wrote here. It feels like so much has happened since my last update. I think my plan was to hand write more but I kept it up for about 2 months then fell out of the habit. It would be nice to start it up again, it's just when I get the time to it's right before bed and I'm absolutely shattered by then.

I've started a new job (doing a similar thing to what I was doing before, in a different department,) so training and shadowing which is a very draining process. But it's good and a positive step in the right direction. I'm also pregnant again. Unbelievable I didn't start off with that but I suppose it reflects accurately how it's been so far, a second time around. It's on the back burner, not right at the forefront. Of course I don't forget about it, I'm aware my body is changing again and I'm getting bigger every day. Far bigger than I did with Ru! I've got to try and embrace it but it's hard adjusting. It's hard when a colleague is also expecting (a couple of months ahead of me,) and it feels inappropriate to share at this point, and of course, my darling toddler - who is here there and everywhere! He takes priority, always. So, time is just flying by. 14 weeks.

I am excited but I'm also worried, how is it going to work with Ru as well...how is he going to react, to adjust? I mean, deep down I think he'll be a wonderful big brother, it's just these initial doubts and concerns. I'm also not looking forward to the sleepless nights and the stresses of breastfeeding but then again, every baby is different so it might not be exactly the same as before and this time we know how long the phases last, which before we didn't. When I look back on that time now though, it's all such a haze. I'm grateful for this, because my memory has obviously blocked it all out. But now it seems like such a short spell of time, and it was, in the grand scheme of things. So at least there's that.

Me and Will are on holiday next week, not going anywhere really, just hanging out and doing bits around the house. I'm looking forward to it.

Reuben is challenging at times with occasional meltdowns and tantrums, but he's also so generous with his smiles, giggles and affection. He is such a delight, a joy and he's becoming such a funny creative little boy.

The light of my life. 

I can't imagine there being two but then I also know that love is infinite. 

29.01.24

Dan appeared in my dreams last night, vividly. It's amazing how dreams bring everything back again. I know what occurred between us over the years ultimately didn't make me happy, but we had a lot of fun. And the knowing that he'd reappear every now and then at different stages of my life, gives me hope that he will say hello again. But if he did, I couldn't act on it of course. But I miss him, I miss the good times we shared, the incredible times. I feel guilty thinking about them today but at the same time, it reminds me of my old self, getting something that surprised me, celebrated me, gave me a glimpse into a life I could have had... Possibly....

22.01.24

Tomorrow marks the start of some holiday days, I'm looking forward to just doing stuff around the house and maybe doing some art.

I feel a bit battered, me and Will had to have another discussion yesterday evening and whenever we do I ask myself 'what the hell are you doing with this person?' I look about our beautiful home and think about our beautiful boy, it makes my heart sink that I'll be with this immature, ignorant, self-entitled man for 'decades and decades' but I know it could be worse. It just makes me feel nervous and worried. He can be so self absorbed and rude. We both need therapy. Our of the two of us I feel I've issues that need addressing because I've done it before but my god i think he needs it more than me. Because he doesn't know where his lie, although I have a pretty damn good idea - I won't tell him that though, it'll surely destroy his fragile little heart. I do love him, I think? I know relationships are hard work and those little moments are proof of that. But at least he's not having sex with his ex or getting hammered every night. Or getting in trouble with the police. So, compared to that? It's pretty good. And we are pretty good most of the time, I am lucky. But when you've a child and work full time it's just different and we didn't have much 'normal' time before Ru came along. But he's in our lives and I couldn't be more grateful, he is a joy, he is my complete and utter joy.

We've both joined the gym, I'm planning on going tonight. If I get fitter, great but it's more for my mental health. I've also started a daily paper diary since the start of Jan, so I'll be spending less time here. But for relationship woes I'll come here, as I don't trust Will not to read it one day.

Let's get today done and out the way. 

20.11.23

Checking in with myself this cold Monday morning. I feel much better than I have done having left Will in a reasonable mood, although getting that acknowledged is like getting blood out of a stone. I wish I could just let it all go, accept that this will always be something that irritates me but I suppose I'm still struggling to process... Everything. I'm really struggling with the idea of us being together 'always' so, I'm just taking it day by day for now. I suppose nothing is 'always' anyway, in some ways that gives comfort. It also makes me sad because I don't want that thought to encroach all my thoughts, time flies by, I'm sure it'll be something I regret feeling when all is said and done. 

Yesterday we were at his parents house and had a really lovely meal. Wills mum is so great with Ru and he really enjoys being there with them. Every time we're all together gives me insight into the 'whys' of Will, so it's good to do. They do things in a different way, show love differently, conversations are usually politically charged or a bit boastful, emotions and more personal subjects are skirted around and avoided. They're all very quick to move on where things could be opened up and explored more, in my opinion. I try and be as open as I can when there which I think his mum appreciates although I'll bet when I leave they roll their eyes over something I said.

Hopefully my hormones will return to their normal levels soon and I'll start to feel more 'me' perhaps less irritable and less removed from the person I used to be. Maybe when I get time to reconnect with art and be in my own space, that will help too. Little by little. 

16.11.23

It's too early in the morning to decide what I'm going to want to eat later in the day. But we've nothing in to make a lunch so I'm enjoying a luxurious 'meal deal. ' Their price which was once a considered a bargain is now considered luxurious, but these are the times we live in. Of course I'm not trivialising something so many aren't able to afford, it's just an unusual experience.

It is cold today and people are wrapped in their winter coats. I wonder what the day will have in store. It's unusual to have two reasonably okay working days in a row.

I think things are settling back at home, I do still feel shocked and saddened by it. I was talking to myself and a sleeping Ru in the car yesterday how we all make mistakes in this life and how if it were the other way around, I wouldn't want to be made to feel bad about what was said 'in the heat of the moment.' These behaviours of his are learned, his family are the same and I doubt he's ever been challenged so, rightly or wrongly, he reacts the way he reacts. There are surely going to be more times where we're not on the same page, naturally, when you live with someone and are raising a child together. There will always be a certain amount of absorbing that needs to be done.

I shared with mum a bit of what's been going on and half joked how Will talks about marriage and how I wouldn't say yes at this point in time. She asked if I felt I always had one foot out of the door. I said it was because of Ru and if we were to split, I wouldn't want to go through the awful divorce process. I was surprised why, as someone who went through an unpleasant divorce herself, had to ask that question. Maybe one day I will feel more confident in the long term future of our relationship but the immaturity, the self entitlement, the lack of empathy doesn't make me feel great. But, it's only be a couple of days. And I'm tired, and the weekend is going to be full on socially, too. This is life now, I'm always going to feel tired. But I've got to enjoy this time as much as I can, I know it. And so often I'm looking forward to being further in the future, away from this 'bit' but these are the days that will feel as though they went in a blink of an eye.

Ru isn't far off walking. He'll no longer be a baby but a toddler! 

13.11.23

Out of data, the one time I'm actually grateful for it. I don't need any outside pressure to be anything today. I feel well and truly gutted. Like each and every one of my internal organs have been ripped from my insides, pumbled and thrown back in again. I feel so hurt. We had a huge argument last night over something so trivial, almost laughable. He was drunk, so there was no stopping the dramatic, self entitled, woe is me bullshit spew from his pathetic mouth. Staring at me, expected affection and warmth when all I wanted to do, was run a fucking mile. I felt alarm bells ring and ring and ring. But there's nowhere I can go. Yesterday his ego was so wounded by me driving away 'without a cuddle' he was on a war path to fuck me over. And he did, dropping bombs of 'I don't feel loved' and 'I opened up to you and you didn't care' all COMPLETE bullshit. He's overworked and Reuben has been ill, so he hasn't properly slept. That's why he feels the way he does, but no, he won't see that. No, his world is ending. Fuck what I think or feel. Fuck my efforts to raise our beautiful boy, who's an angel, and fuck him returning home to a clean and tidy house, laundry done and food on the table. Despite finding him so irritating, I'll always ask him how he's feeling (he'll brush me off,) I'll always be affectionate even when I don't want to be close to him. It felt so unfair. And, as usual, when I can't get a word in and after constant barraging of hurtful speach, I just imploded into hysterical tears. It was almost an out of body experience. All I could think about was our wonderful son, and how I just wanted to run upstairs, grab him and run as far away as possible. Once he realised what he'd done, he apologised and said he didn't mean to point the finger at me for his problems and that he 'isn't very well at the moment.' He went on to say that he's never felt it before. I don't know if it's an excuse for how he behaved but I'm not surprised that's how he interprets guilt. He's never done anything wrong in his life, never been told no, so of course everything's crashing down for him. He did seem genuinely remorseful but he can't take it back. This morning he apologised but said he was glad what was said was out in the open. I'm just on a 'pretend everything is fine, nod along' train track right now because I can't take another beating. I did suggested couples therapy which he was open to, so that's a positive in the very least. We can't argue like that over such tiny, unimportant shit. I won't take it. I don't think he realises how seriously it effects me. He has no regard for the consequences of his actions, and now I have to play along like happy families because he's played the mental health card. Well done, you fucking prick. This is no way to feel about the father of my child but he's really pushing me. And I resent him for it. I can't escape and he knows it. 'I'm so committed to you, I love you, I'm not going anywhere, I will be with you forever' - he threatens. He's trying to reassure me but he's really putting the fear of god into me. I've got to try and figure out a plan. Therapy first, and if things don't improve, we will simply separate. Truly.